Tuesday 3 November 2015

Sure You'll Be Grand

I've not been on here for a while.  Had great intentions of writing stuff regularly here but never really got round to it or, more to the point, never really had time.  However, I felt the need to come back here and write something now.  Something that I have had great difficulty communicating to many people really.  But here goes, let's give this a shot.

I guess I always knew there was something not quite right, shall we say.  Was it the lethargy I would sometimes feel?  Was it the fatigue that would suddenly hit me?  Was it the increasing difficulty to focus my attention on things for a period of time?  Was it the mood swings, the sudden turn from smile to scowl, from laughter to frustration?  Was it the uncanny ability to turn away the people I cared about the most and who cared about me?  Was it the knack of ruining any potential relationship before it even had a chance to really go anywhere?

It was all of it really.  A mixture of the whole shebang; and more!

I guess I knew deep down what was going on but never had the guts to face up to it, until it got to the point where I didn't want to get out of bed in the mornings, would make any excuse not to make the effort.  At the time I was working for Tayto in an average job but with good hours and decent money so things should have been fine.  Except they weren't.  They weren't at all.  And it was around this time that I had my first realisation that I needed to do something about it or I was heading down a dangerous path.

It was then that I decided to visit my doctor and try to get to the bottom of what was going on.  He pretty much confirmed what I had known deep down for a long time.  I knew what was wrong but I didn't know what was wrong.

I was told to take a week off work and get out and about, get some fresh air, exercise, etc.  I brought the note to my boss and he looked at me like I had two heads.  After all, it wasn't a real illness, was it.  "Sure you'll be grand".

After a week I went back to work and continued as normal.  Except things weren't the same.  They never would be!  I knew what was going on but I didn't know what was going on.  "Sure you'll be grand".

Time moved on and I changed jobs.  Another warehouse job and in a company that I loved working for.  Seven great years that came to an end when the company merged and I was made redundant.  A few quid in the bank and a little time off.  "Sure you'll be grand!"

A year of unemployment, not a job to be had, bank account emptying fast and the realisation that this struggle is real.  Anyway, I'm waffling now.  So, fast forward to 2015.  Ten months in, I can honestly say that this has been the worst year yet.  Watching my Dad struggle through his battle with cancer, watching the man that I looked up to always, fade in front of my eyes, holding his hand as he breathed his last.  Words can't describe this.  "Keep the head up".  "Be strong". "Sure you'll be grand".

Every day I'm fighting a battle.  A battle with my inner demons.  I can count on one hand the number of people that I have told about my battle.  This daily battle with an illness called depression.  These people that I love and trust implicitly.  These people that have been there for me through everything. Even though they're not always around, they're always around.

I had confided in them that I considered writing this blog but I felt that people wouldn't understand why I would tell people this way.  They would say I was attention seeking or being 'busy'.  They wouldn't understand.  They encouraged me to do it, that people wouldn't feel that way.  I decided against writing a blog and I'd just deal with it. "Sure you'll be grand".

A couple of weeks ago I had a mini breakdown at home.  The feelings of anxiety overtook me and I collapsed.  I'm sure that sounds like an exaggeration and if it does, well so be it.  It was a wake up call.  It told me that I need to change things.  I need to re-evaluate and do whatever it takes to get myself in order.  I have been in a dark place on occasions, the darkest.  I have had certain thoughts, I won't lie.  I have considered certain actions, final actions.  I was able to overcome them.

I'm not one for talking about myself and I don't open up about myself very often.  I'm always more concerned with others and that is something I need to address.  I'm not grand, I know that.  But I also know that I have to fight and I have to keep things going.  Depression will not win, it will certainly try but it won't win. 

Sure I'll be grand!